(Note: I did this as a humor piece for RevolutionSF, but although Joe Crowe and the gang liked the concept, they didn't think it was workable and didn't have time to code the HTML for the radio buttons.  So, I did it myself and put it up here for your enjoyment. I also printed out copies of a shorter version and left them on the freebie tables at Dragon*Con 2002, and they disappeared, so people at least took them home. Keep in mind though, as I mentioned on the dead tree version, this isn't a real survey, so clicking on the buttons would be an even bigger waste of time than simply reading what's beside them. )

Convention Questionnaire

by James M. Palmer

(previously unpublished)

No one loves a good convention more than the folks here at RevolutionSF, and to help make the con-going experience better for everyone, weíve put together a handy little survey to help conventioneers plan the biggest shindigs ever. Please select the best possible answer. This survey will be forwarded on to your favorite science fiction, fantasy, and horror conventions, most notably, Dragon*Con and WorldCon. So get those clicking fingers warmed up. We want to know what you think!

1. A convention is:

A. A great place to relax and have a good time with like-minded people.

B. An opportunity to try out pickup lines that Commander Riker used.

C. A giant dealerís room that costs $50 just to walk around in.

D. A chance to pin an editor into a corner so I can pitch my Star Trek/Dark Angel crossover fanfic novel.

E. The machination of some fanboy in order to snare his favorite author in a cheap hotel for a whole weekend so he or she can autograph all of the fanís books.

2. I like Dragon*Con because:

A. Itís ten miles from my house.

B. WorldCon is too far away and too expensive.

C. My favorite actor, Richard Hatch, attends every year.

D. My mom wouldnít buy me a plane ticket to San Jose for WorldCon.

E. I can write up a trip report and sell it to Starlog or SF Chronicle, then write off the whole trip on my taxes.

F. Itís the only place in the Southeast where one can find a Miskatonic University window decal.

3. I like WorldCon because:

A. I can be in the same room as Gardner Dozois.

B. I can confront that evil editor about why he or she never publishes my stuff.

C. I can wander around whatever cool city itís in that year.

D. I can wander around whatever cool hotel itís in that year and never have to go outside.

E. I can write up a trip report and sell it to SF Chronicle, then write off the whole trip on my taxes.

4. My favorite con activity is:

A. Attending writing panels.

B. Attending television or movie panels.

C. The Masquerade.

D. Filking.

E. Getting drunk and stumbling from room party to room party hitting on anything that breathes.

5. The guest I would most like to see at my favorite convention is:

A. Ray Bradbury.

B. Harlan Ellison.

C. Charles Brown.

D. Ferdinand Feghoot.

E. The actor who portrayed the Vulcan gong-ringer in the Star Trek episode "Amok Time".

6. My favorite part of a convention is:

A. The freebie tables.

B. The Masquerade.

C. Room parties.

D. The Dealerís Room.

E. The Consuite..

F. All of it.

G. The end.

7. The Dealerís Room is great because:

A. Where else can you find a Starfleet Academy beer cozie?

B. Itís a great place to unload all of my old crap.

C. Itís a great place to find bootleg cassettes of Flesh Gordon and A Boy And His Dog: Blockbuster swag for discount prices.

D. Itís real easy to shoplift.

E. Some magazines and books are free, and I can go home and sell them on Ebay.

8. I will get to my favorite convention by:

A. Car

B. Bus

C. Train

D. Airplane

9. Once there, I plan on sleeping in:

A. My car.

B. A single hotel room along with ten other people to share the cost.

C. The street.

D. The hotel lobby.

10. I paid $20-$50 for a celebrityís autograph so I could:

A. Give it to a friend who couldnít attend.

B. Sell it on Ebay.

C. Frame it and hang it in my bedroom.

D. Enshrine it and bring it burnt offerings.

11. To save money during a con I:

A. Try to sneak in with a fake badge.

B. Fill up on consuite munchies so I wonít have to buy lunch.

C. Ask everyone in the dealerís room if they have anything for free.

D. Sleep in my car.

E. Bring ten other people and get the discount rate.

12. I wonít be attending my favorite con this year because:

A. The computer company I worked for shut down, taking my job and 401(K) with it.

B. Iím tired of all the vampire wannabes threatening to prick my jugular with their finger armor.

C. My wife/girlfriend said that if she had to sit through another Andromeda panel with Kevin Sorbo discussing his biceps she would file for divorce/break up with me.

D. I canít get Thursday and Friday before Labor Day off, because the boss is still mad at me for calling in sick to go see Star Wars: Episode II.

E. Apollo Smile wonít be there.

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